busy, busy, busy! I am at work. and actually it is not busy and so that is why I am writing this now. It is a good night though. partly because it is a relaxing night here, and I can actually feel like I am a good nurse and doing a good job, and partly because, well...a certain someone called me. Well I didn't actually get to talk to him because I was already at work and so my cell phone wasn't on, but I checked my messages and he was there. I went outside and listened to it, tried calling him, couldn't get through, gave up, came back inside, checked my messages again, and he had called again. I know it is pathetic, but I can't help it, my heart still jumps when I see his name on my caller id!
okay, well I really should get back to work. ONe more night and then HELLO grand rapids!

so i didn't end up going to bed after all. My roommate was awake so we started talking and ended up talking for several hours. It was good. There are some new developments that are gonna really change things if they happen and so we were discussing them. Anyway, it was more of the fact that she is know keeping me informed that really makes the difference in how I am feeling. The actual stuff that we were talking about was not something that is necessarilly what I want to see happen. Anyway, I am being pretty vague here and I realize that, but now is not the time to go into details. So then she had to go to work and I ended up watching a movie, Life As a House and then when that was done I decided that I should probably sleep a little while since I was feeling all wierd in the head. So went and laid down and fell asleep and woke up 9 minutes ago. It was good. I feel better now.
So whats next on the agenda?...I don't know. Both my roommates got home from thier various places and now I shall see what happens next.
Anyway, gotta run now cause Jen is in the progress of cleaning the kitchen and I should do that for her since she just got home from work.

phew! well I just finished the third of three nights in a row and now I am so hyped to be off that I don't want to go to bed. I know that once I sit here for a while though I will start getting tired. I am just so happy to be off though! Off two days then on two days then.....YAY GR, here I come!!!!!!!!!! I am so looking forward to it I can't even explain how much!
So anyway, this weekend my roomies and I and some other people are gonna go to this place called Enchanted Rocks. I guess that there are some really cool big rocks and caves and stuff so we are gonna make a day of it and go out there and have fun. It should be nice.
hmmm...okay, well I am gonna go to bed now so that I can get up at a decent hour and go running and ya know...good things like that.

Well, I am awake, and it is time to get ready for work again. Strangley I feel as though I never went to bed and I am still dreadfully tired. I could not sleep well because I was tossing and turning, thinking about work, and the fact that I really need to somehow get myself seriously organized because I am never going to get to be an excellent nurse until I do. I tossed and turned worrying that the phone would ring and that it would be work calling and saying that I had not done something I was supposed to or that I had done something that I wasn't supposed to. I tossed and turned feeling like I had not done as good a job as I should have, that I could have done more for my patients and more for my co-workers. AAaaaaahhhhh!!!!!
So when I got up I made some lists of things that I need to make sure I do, so that I will not forget them, at least until they become second nature to me. Hopefully that will help. The frustrating thing about nursing is that it never goes the same way from one day to the next. So it almost feels like you can't really get a routine down. Frustrating!
Okay, I have to go shower, get dressed and all that good stuff, I just wish I could go back to sleep!

Song of the day...Traffic's John Barleycorn Must Die(just cause thats the last song I practiced on the guitar before writing this so it's in my head.)

I am just getting home from a long night at work, I scarfed down some chocolate chip pancakes that my roommate graciously made this morning and soon I am heading to bed. I am SUPER tired! But I am not going to bed before I say that I talked to my roommate last evening and it was the best thing that could ever happen. We so badly needed to have that talk for a long time and we both feel so much better now and there is a lot of clarification that happened. It is so renewing and freeing to finally have talked about things. Our friendship was really in jeapordy I think, but now we are on the road to hopefully, maybe, things being better than ever before. You live, you hurt, you learn, and it makes you stronger I guess. I am so glad to know that my friend who I thought I had lost, isn't lost afterall...............................
...............................oh, yeah, i better go to bed now. I am about to fall asleep right here.

well...i spent a few minutes, or rather what was meant to be a few minutes(it turned into quite a lot of minutes) reading people's blogs, you know the new blogs that come out. Anyway, I felt that I was starting to go crazy, because there were so many interesting people writing, and I don't know them, and sometimes I can't bear NOT to know all the interesting people in the world. I realize my blog is very bland compared to some. I need to learn somethings about computers so that I can spice up my page. I want to put pictures on my page, and do all sorts of cool things, I just don't exactly know how. Well not knowing, is no excuse for not learning...right?
On a different note, it is the most beautiful day here that we have had for a while, cool, but gorgeously sunny, and pure, pure blue sky. It makes my heart want to jump around inside of me. I baked a raisin spice cake today. I felt like there was the need for something special.
Now I must go get ready for work, and meet my roommate to talk over things.

Song of the day...Bob Marley's Three Little Birds

So it has been a while since I wrote in this journal. I can't say that much has happened since I wrote. I have been having a lot of mental turmoil though. Things aren't quite good here as far as the roommate situation goes. They are complex and confusing and most of all there is a lot of hurt. Well I am the one getting hurt. The other two are doing fine I guess. I should have been smart enough to see this coming before I got into it, but now it is too late and there is no changing the way that things are. Friendship is such a fragile thing I guess, and I seem to be really good at losing friends and hurting people, and not so good at being on the recieving end...being lost, and being hurt. My mom keeps telling me that life is hard(this I know), that there is a lot of pain(this too I know), what I want to know is does it ever stop?

Song of the day...Ben Harper's Another Lonely Day!

Well, I guess that I slept about 12 hours last night so I made up for not sleeping the day before. I have to go to work again tonight and I feel pretty rested right now, so that is a good thing. When I got up, I went for a run, only two miles today, but I was getting a cramp so I didn't want to push it.
The rest of the day I spent thoroughly cleaning our apartment since my roommate Matt is having a couple of friends spend the weekend here with us. The place was a mess. but now it really looks decent. So I at least feel like I accomplished something today. I hope that it is a relaxing night at work tonight. I really hope it won't be hectic and maddening and busy and make me want to quit my job.
so anyway...gotta get ready for work.
Song of the day...Van Morrison's Dancing in the Moonlight!

I am so BORED!!!!!! so bored that i fear i shall go out of my mind. I could not sleep that much this morning after work so I think that it is a mixture of just being tired and well,... the fact that I am here alone practically all the times that I am off! I get really bored really quickly when it is just me having to entertain myself. Even though I have a list of things that I could do that would probably keep me busy for the rest of my life, I don't feel like doing all those things alone! Why did God create us as communal beings? I mean if he is not going to provide soulmates for us, why did he give us such a desire to share our lives with someone. If it were not for that desire I could get on with my life, but no...I have to pine away day after day, wishing that someone existed that I could relate to...or wishing that the guy that i am still stubbornly, stupidly, ridiculously in love with would have made different choices...or that I could stop loving him. Life will not have it so. I find myself wishing I had never met him, but at the very same time I would never give that up. How terribly weak we are!
.....On a happier note, thirteen days till i fly to GR!!!!!!! yeah! I can't wait! and Abi is gonna bring her hookah so that we can smoke! man have i been going through withdrawel and longing for a good smoke, gin and tonic, and a lazy conversation among friends about anything that strikes our fancy! Those were definitely the days!

well I just woke up after working my first nightshift at the hospital. It feels wierd and out of wack. It is overcast and grey so it could be morning rather than 4 in the afternoon and so it is really wierd and confusing when I look at the clock. Man there is a world of difference between working dayshift and working nightshift. It is much less hectic on nights. Well it can be hectic for the first four hours of the shift, but then it is practically dead, then it gets hectic again in the morning. It is just crazy to me that we make more money than the dayshift when it seems like we do so much less. The thing that sucks with nights is that it feels much more like you work, sleep, and get up and go to work again. but so far night number one went well.

well it is one of those dreary, drizzly grey mornings where everything just seems lazy and you don't really feel like doing much of anything, but yet you're bored...and it is a sunday morning no less. I am all showered and ready to go to church, but i still have about 15 minutes before I have to leave. well at least i am not rushing around at the last minute trying to be ready in time.
Yesterday was my last shift working days at the hospital and i start tomorrow night on the graveyard shift as some like to call it. I was really quite sad to say farewell to some of the people on days. Well it isn't exactly farewell i guess, I will still see them coming and going, but you know, i won't be working with them any longer. But with nights comes more pay, and less personell clogging up my space :)
As to life in general, well...hmmm, i guess that it is just kind of there. I am still longing for a motorcycle, but the weather has gotten cold and wet here so that has been helpful in keeping me patient. I am SO looking forward to going back to GR to visit my pepe's there over thanksgiving. I have long been going through withdrawel for some good hangout time and some serious conversations on a more intellectual level. It is always good to have something to look forward to, to help you through the days...but the days aren't so bad either. I made pumpkin bread the other day and if that is not enough to make a person happy i don't know what is! :D Hmmm, well I should probably get going to church otherwise I will end up being late despite the fact that I have been sitting around here twiddling my thumbs for the past half hour.

well, i at least completed my laundry and balancing my checkbook. I did not get too far on the thoughts that were on my mind. However i have something to possibly look forward to now...going to Michigan for Thanksgiving...I will be happy to leave here for a while and see my homies up north :) i miss all y'all alot more than i can even explain actually. what will it take to make me happy? or is that an impossibility in this world. I am very nearly convinced that the latter is the answer. it seems to me that whatever situation i am in, i am always looking to the future thinking,...if only i were there, then i could be happy! of course when i reach that place, there is always something or some reason that i cannot feel content. or perhaps it is something within the person themselves that makes people happy. maybe i need to change what it is that i think makes me happy. if i make it something that is attainable, and I attain that, wouldn't that make it impossible for me NOT to be happy?

well, thanks to dc, you can now write comments to me on this site. I was trying to figure out how to do it, but never would have been successful if it weren't for her. thanks girl:)
so i am in the middle of balancing my checkbook, doing laundry, cleaning off my desk and contemplating what I should do with the rest of my day. I have a lot on my mind right now and that is usually when I get cleaning like this accomplished. so let me get back to that now, before i lose my steam.

well the weekend is winding to an end and dismal thoughts of work are haunting me. I dread mondays at work. they tend to be busy and have been some of the worst days that i have worked. I will just hope that tomorrow will be an unusual monday.
It has been a strange weekend. I have been thinking a lot about things, my life, people i know or have known. I got practically nothing useful done. I was realizing that I have a lot of work to do on my life before it is anything near to something that I am satisfied with. there are so many things that over the years I have let slip, or grown lazy about, and I realize how unhappy i am. I think that i look around for people to blame, but in the end it always comes back to me and I see that I am the one at fault, I am the one who needs to change things.
life is hard and I wonder if i will ever get to a point in my life where i will be satisfied and content and feel like things are how I want them to be. as it is I feel like my life is like a messy room, you can try to clean it up, but by the next day you have clothes strewn all over the place again, and your desk is covered in clutter. I guess the important thing is self discipline. I think I really need to work on my self discipline. I don't really have any. My self is like a spoiled little child. it is a good thing that i am not a parent. I would probably have a little brat on my hands that everyone would hate....thankfully i am not in that situation.
the time that i am not spending thinking about my life and how i need to clean it up I pine away over the guy i loved more than any other guy i have ever known and i wonder if i will ever have the great fortune to forget him...but then again, I don't know that i want to forget him. I still am not over him! ay! the foolishness of the heart. will i ever learn not to fall in love with people?

its saturday morning, i am off, i got up and exercised hard for an hour and now i am sitting here all sweaty and stinky and feeling really good. i always feel better after i exercise. I don't know why i don't do it more often.
plans for today...i am probably going to see an air show at one of the air bases down here. The blue angels will be there. I have heard they are quite the sight to see. I am somewhat curious, so i think that it will be a good time. Other than that I have been itching to go see the movie intolerable cruelty so I think that I am going to try and talk my roommates into going to that tonight or tomorrow. more thoughtful entries are definitely in the future of this journal, but so far every time that I sit down to write I don't have much time, so, that is the reason for the blandness of them to this point. always looking to the future to be better than the present:)