Saturday, December 13, 2003

i've lost my mind and I haven't found it yet!
i shall attempt to write an entry again. I was writing one yesterday and I lost it again. I was so frustrated that I just didn't bother writing another. it's saturday morning, I am off. I have so much christmas shopping to do it is not even funny. I feel the need to exercise. I have been slacking and I feel fat. well mostly i think because girl disease should be starting anytime now and that just makes you feel fat and it isn't right and it isn't fair. I think my boobs have grown to twice their normal size. okay, i know thats gross, but does that ever happen to anyone else. it really bothers me. they're big enough already!
so...leaving that subject behind. i must decide if i am doing christmas cards or not. i want to, but i always wait too long. hmmm, such a procrastinator. and here i am still slacking, writing in my journal rather than doing stuff i should be. there's no hope for me i think. my roommate jen, is writing her christmas cards and we are listening to Jewel sing christmas music.
I am off for one more blessed night and then the misery and despair begins once again. oh okay. I will try not to think about it yet.
Jen and I cooked spaghetti and meatballs last night and then we watched Pirates of the Carribean! I just had to see my man again. he is so sexy! ha ha.
okay, must go do something.

Song of the day...Jewel, Silent Night...cause its playing right now...and its peaceful and calming :)

Thursday, December 11, 2003

well here i am again and it seems like every time i write in this journal i gripe about work, but right now work is just such a big stress for me that I can't help it. It consumes me day in and day out. As you have probably already guessed I have to go to work tonight. Misery and despair! The last night I had at work was so bad! One of my patients coded and I thought he was going to die! it was terrible! The family members had come out of the room and said he was not responding, and when we went running in there he just looked like he was dead. He had a pulse, but his blood pressure was 40/20 and he was not breathing! we tried to revive him, but he wouldn't come around, so we had to call a code! It really, really sucked! And after that I could barely work, I just wanted to leave and cry.
Anyway, I hope that tonight will be better. I should go and get some stuff at the store before work because we don't really have anything in the house. My roommate Matt moved out yesterday, and I am really happy for the change. I think that it will be much better with him not living here.
Yesterday I went to a christmas party at my church hosted by the bible study that I go to. It was really a lot of fun. The one elder had written this silly skit and they just picked people out of the crowd to act in it. It was pretty funny. We also sang christmas carols and there was lots of good deserts.
okay, this time i really have to go to the store.

Song of the day...Woody Guthrie, Hobo's Lullaby

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

ARGH!!!!!!! well i just spent about 15 minutes writing a very nice entry and what do you know, something happened and I lost it! oh that makes me mad. so now I don't feel like writing it over again and so this will just be a mediocre, short, angry entry. I have to go to work tonight and I dread it. I don't want to go. It is pretty bad when you start dreading going back almost before your day off has even started. I shall go sleep or read or something for a while before I go to work.

Song of the day...The White Stripes, In the cold cold night.

Friday, December 05, 2003

It seems as if you get jipped out of time for your days off when you work nights. Here it is 6:00 and I just got up. Now I have a whole night ahead of me where no one is up but me. I guess that I need to find some vampires for friends. Last night was pure and simple HELL at work. I didi not get out until 10 am this morning and that was because I didn't even get to touch my charting until this mornings shift was coming on. It was all wrong from the start. I get to work early so that I can have time to write down my assignment and be prepared, but last night a nurse never showed who was supposed to show and so and so the assignments had to be redivided at the last minute, so of course everything was screwed up from there. Then of course the charge nurse talked me into taking the admission that was a pregnant 40 yr old with DMOC on an insulin drip with accuchecks Q1hour, because it would be a learning experience. Well it was a learning experience all right! I learned that I don't want to learn anymore! Of course the admission got there right away and that was the end of everything. No time to really review the patient kardex's, nothing! And the night was just down hill from there. I did not stop or really sit down all night. It was one thing after another, my dude from surgury with bilateral amputations needing pain medication all the time. then the 21 year old girl who decided to stop breathing for me. Almost had to call a code! HELL i tell you! I was so tired this morning that I could hardly stand it! Anyway, thank God it's over and I don't have to go back for two whole nights, but like i was saying before you get jipped cause they're NIGHTS off and nobody does anything at night but sleeps, so what am I supposed to do? Okay, okay, enough bitching but I had to let it out.
So now I have slept for a long time, am quite rested and ready to go. I don't know what I shall do though. I think getting some food will be one of the first things on the agenda. from there...who knows!

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

I am at work. what a complete opposite tonight is from last night. last night i would not have had even the time let alone the composure to have sat down and written in this thing. this is the kind of night that i can handle. maybe that makes me weak, i don't know. anyway, so much craziness.
I got your letter yesterday, right before work and oh, i wanted to cry. the things i make people believe sometimes. oh i must be a bad friend.
i love people, i can't live without people, especially my people. at the same time I hate people too. here at work i am beginning to get more and more annoyed with the attitudes of those i work with. either they are just pure lazy, or they sit around and gossip. people gossip so much here and I hate it. why can't they talk about meaningful, interesting things instead of sticking their noses into everyone else's private affairs and then telling the world about it. well...that will never change. sad really.
must get back to work now. i am so happy i am off tomorrow.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

...and reality sets back in WAY too quickly! I was praying that my first day back to work and off orientation would not be too hard on me, but I guess that it wasn't anyones plan to ease me into things. My very first night and it was crazy hectic! I was stressing so bad I could feel the holes burning in my stomach! If this is how nursing will be for me...i know i won't be able to do it for long. It will kill me. Last night we had a patient die in a pool of blood. The most gruesome sight I have seen in real life. There was blood everywhere, all over the floor, the walls, everywhere! And the smell was sickening! He wasn't my patient, but I heard the PCA calling for help and I walked and this guy was laying there on the floor, blood everywhere. and then he died. nursing makes us so detached. i guess it is necessary to survive.
My life, and the things in it have been forcing me to constantly see things from new perspectives. Everytime another one comes in to focus I say wow! so thats how the picture really is supposed to look, but no sooner do i think that, then it has already changed...like a kaliedascope! Each one is beautiful in it's own way, and you think, wow, this is by far the most beautiful and you want to keep that one, but then you bump the scope and it changes, and you never get that particular design back, and then you stumble upon another design and you say, wow, this one is even more beautiful than the last. And so it goes. what an incredible and yet crazy life we live!