moments from the past
colors softly glowing against walls and ceiling casting starlike shadows. wallpaper ugly and stark made soft and rich by a trick of this light. warm soothing music floating to our ears. darkness and light mixed together, not sure which it is. laughing at the memories of better times mingled with moments of sad sighs as we realize they have passed. promising each other that hope still remains. we will never give up. never let them break us. did they break us?
awake in bunk beds. tapping out songs on the wall... guess what that one was. singing songs aloud and believing that we could stand in for any of those bands and no one would know the difference, we were that good.
nights of knowing pain that should be inconceivable to ones that young. silent sobs that rend the heart impossible to heal completely whole. silent longing. do you remember?

Song of the day...Enya, how can i keep from singing.

sleep flees from me. i read your journal entry about wanting to be an insomniac. i think it is definitely cool to be awake while everyone sleeps, but at the same time, to be unable to sleep when you really want to sucks. i have slept 4 hours. midnight till 4 am. and now i am wide awake. I don't have insomnia, its just my sleeping schedule is so mixed up. my poor body doesn't know when it needs to be awake and when asleep. Last night at this time it had to be awake, now tonight i want it to be asleep. how confused it must be. well at least i can make use of this time somehow. be productive. do things i want to with no interruptions. now... what should i do first?

i just completed running 2.07 miles, doing 2 sets of pushups and two sets of crunches. it is amazing how good that makes you feel. I have been trying to get back in the routine of doing that, but since I got this cold I took a little break from it, but tonight I was feeling well enough to start up again. I just completed two nights of work and I have three nights off! Life is wonderful! ha ha. it is amazing how happy you get when you are finally off. It almost makes work worth it. Working just for the high one gets on days off. hmmm...i think there is a ghost in the apartment with me. I keep hearing noises and movement as if someone is here, but it is only me. My roommate is out. hmmm...ghosts.
The thought of ghosts is quite intriguing really. what of ghosts? when I think of them I always automatically jump to the conclusion that they don't exist, but i have never really considered the possibility that they might actually be real. why is that? because from the very earliest days of my life i have been told by others around me that they are not real. does that make it true though? why couldn't there be ghosts? spirits? i personally think they do exist, though perhaps not in the way of peoples spirits roaming around and haunting things, but spirits around us. good and bad. of course there is always the biblical support...angels and demons. what are they if not spirits. is there a difference between the meanings of the word spirit and the word ghost. i have to run and look that up.................
spirit: 1) vital animating essence of a person or animal; soul. 2) ghost.
ghost:1) supposed apparition of a dead person or animal; disembodied spirit. 2) shadow or mere semblence.
so it looks like the difference is that a ghost is always a disembodied spirit whereas a spirit can either be embodied or disembodied. maybe...anyway, somehow it seems like ghost has a more negative association than that of spirit.
what do y'all think about ghosts?
i just watched What Dreams May Come. Very interesting movie. Also recently watched Vanilla Sky...another very interesting movie. hmmm. i watch a lot of movies these days. maybe i should cut back.

Song of the day...Southern Girl, Erykah Badu

so my cold just waited until i was half way through my twelve hour shift to unleash the dreaded sniffleing, sneezing misery upon me. now it is here in full force. wonderful! i have to work tonight as well. speaking of which, i need to sleep.

sunday morning. appropriately sunny for a morning of this day. lonely big blue sky and birds singing. i couldn't tell you what time of year it was if you just placed me here and asked me. this is a seasonless region. beautiful in its own, but relatively unchaging to the seasonal being. i am a seasonal being.
last night i couldn't sleep. this is beginning to be a habit. my circadian rhythm is all off. sleep wants to overtake me at this time of day. it screws up your head. literally i think it messes with your mental wellbeing.
Either I am successfully fending off this cold, or it is taking its time at relinquishing all of its misery upon me because I have not reached the part where my nose is running and I'm sneezing and coughing and just plain miserable. I am glad because I have to work tonight and thats misery enough.
i shall go to church today. i miss too often because of work, but not today. oh i am tired though. i feel i could sleep for hours now. and so it goes.

Song of the day...Amazing Grace (to the tune of house of the rising sun), Blind Boys of Alabama.

so i have come down with a cold of some sort. sore throat, headache, general feeling of unwellness...i called in sick to work last night, but I am going to go and try to brave things out tonight. I don't feel too terribly bad and I am hoping that the rest and chicken soup and vitamins and orange juice, etc. have helped to maybe nip things in the bud. i would really much rather not go to work at all, but well that isn't really a choice.
So last night jen and i watched Once Upon a Time in Mexico. It is out on video now. I loved Desperado, and this new one is good too. Johnny Depp...what can i say. he is just the funniest guy ever. I get this feeling that when he acts in movies he is just being himself pretty much. He always has a quirky part, and that makes me think he's a quirky guy, and I love him. anyway, nothing much else to talk about. I am going to lie down for a bit before work I think. just to make sure I have had plenty of rest.

everybody knows that the dice are loaded
everybody rolls with their fingers crossed
everybody knows the war is over
everybody knows the good guys lost
everybody knows the fight is fixed
the poor stay poor, the rich get rich
thats how it goes...everybody knows.

leonard cohen...man i love music. what i would do without it i have no idea. it would be a bland world out there. I had another rough night at work. Not too terribly bad, but not very fun thats for sure. I feel like I am a shitty nurse sometimes. I don't want to be. I want to be an excellent nurse, but it takes SO much to be one. Sometimes I feel like I just can't do it.
i feel like playing guitar and singing, but my former roommate came and got his guitar today. he is starting lessons supposedly. So I guess that I am going to have to go and invest in a guitar because I can't lose grasp of what I have learned so far.
i bought some new boots. i couldn't resist them. they are beautiful. black, tall, right below the knee. They are not high heeled which is good. They are gonna be my motorcycle boots once I get a bike. they are so supple and mold to your foot and leg. i think i'm in love....ha ha.

so i just got back from seeing Mona Lisa Smile. What a great movie. I liked it. Now what i really want to talk about is how aghast I am at our society. I mean i already know it's bad, but sometimes things just shock me out of my state of numb immunity and into a state of awareness. As we were leaving the movie we saw these two girls and I am telling you they could not have been more than 8 or 10 years old. They were together(alone) at the movie we had just seen. They were both wearing jeans, you know the normal style of today, low cut, flare leg, and then they were both wearing sexy looking tops. I mean the kind of things you would see adult woman wearing to a club. They both had cleavage much too prounounced for girls of that age and size, they had their hair styled and were wearing jewelry and carrying those little armpit purses. I could not take my eyes off of them, and could not get the disgust out of my head and the sickness out of my stomach. How do any parents with any brains in their heads let their daughters dress like that at that age, much less let them out of the house and to a movie BY THEMSELVES, dressed like that. I cannot fathom it. And people wonder why children are getting pregnant and why kids know all about everything their is to know EXCEPT what it means to be a kid. Oh man, it just makes me so sad and depressed.

so an entry in this thing is long overdue. I just keep saying to myself, oh, I'll write in my blog tomorrow. then tomorrow never comes. life's normal routine has set back in since the holidays. work has not been half bad since I came back. I probably shouldn't say that, i'll jinx myself. I am off this whole weekend and so happy about it. Jen and I are planning to do some fun chillin'. we of course regularly rent videos. lately I started us on a kick of renting old classics. these are the movies that I grew up on, and I have missed them. it seems like always there is some new modern movie that we would always want to see, and so we'd never rent older ones, but there are so many great classics out there. ones that I want to see again, ones that I have never seen and want to watch. so we are gonna keep renting at least one classic each time we go. last night we watched Rebel Without a Cause with James Dean. That was a good movie.
I think that this weekend we are going to go and see Girl with a Pearl Earring. We have both read the book (its good). and now we want to see the movie. besides it has Colin Firth in it.
what other plans for the weekend? i need to find a gym to become a member of. the fitness room here at the apartments is just not cutting it, besides maybe if I have a membership somewhere that I am paying for, then I will be motivated to be diligent and work out. man i am so lazy!
I got my car all fixed. i am so happy to have my cherry bomb back again! i miss driving her so much when she is gone :) last weekend that certain someone that I mentioned in my last entry came to see me. I ended up getting that thursday night off, and it is a good thing because if not, I would not have gotten to see him at all. it was a really good visit, but at the same time that makes it really bad, because...."sigh" well you know... I only got to see him a couple hours anyway because he had to drive again so that he could be where he needed to pick up another load early in the morning. really sad and pathetic that those few hours with him can cause me such torture and heartache for so many days afterward. i can't heal myself and just get over him. i can't think what it is gonna take to get through my thick head he's not for me.
well...i have things that I should do now(including running), so i better do that before I get unmotivated.

Songs of the day...Coldplay, warning sign. and Oasis, stop crying your heart out.

ah, this living is harder than it seems...in the words of my man Jack Johnson. yeah life is tough, but I guess only as bad as we let it be to us. My cars transmission went out and it is costing me 1200 bucks to fix it. Almost as much as I paid for the car. I have been sitting here stewing and steaming and getting more and more angry about the whole thing. Mostly I am angry that there is no way for me to know if the repair place were to be scamming me. It could be that just one part of the clutch needed replaced and they are telling me that the whole thing needs fixed, or they could be telling me the truth, but there is no way for me to know. Oh and it makes me so angry. But today I was thinking about it and the fact is...I have this car, it needs fixed. I can fix it or not. It is my decision. No one is forcing me to. And it is a waste of energy to be angry. So I am gonna try not to be. I mean there are lots of good things that I could think of...for instance the car lasted for my trip to dallas and back over Christmas time. That would have really sucked if I had broken down while driving to or from. So I should not complain.
Now the further complexities of life...the perpetual man in the scene, or i should say, not in the scene. Well he pops in and out i guess. he is coming to town tomorrow. I am probably gonna see him for a couple of hours at most, if at all, he will be between loads(truck driving) and I have to work tomorrow night so it doesn't leave a lot of time. I am not sure whether I want to see him. It seems to be an aweful lot of heartache and not all that much fun....though I still do have fun with him sometimes. but i don't know how to be anymore since things are different. oh woe to me and my weak heart.
well anyway, I am gonna head off to the library now with jen and get some food for my mind.

Song of the day...JACK JOHNSON...ON and ON...the whole album! :D

Well here it is 2004! A brand new year. It is actually really funny how we feel like we have this new fresh start to things when in actuality it is just one more year in a whole string of years that make up one life, but anyway, it is a nice feeling that maybe you do have a chance to start fresh with things. And it is a good time to decide to change things that need changing although realistically it would be good to have the discipline to revise things like that as soon as one realized a problem existed. Anyway, I am super happy that it is a new year and I am looking forward to the unknown things that this new year will hold and have to offer.
Started the new year off with a great time in New Orleans! My first time there and I loved it! I had a great time! What a fun-loving, laid back city it is! Now it is back to the reality of work and earning a living. What drudgery!
My car decided to go and give me problems again this morning. I think that the clutch has finally gone. Either that or the clutch cable has broken. I am not sure, but something is not right cause I can't get the thing into gear, or at least not very easily. So I have called the transmission place and a tow truck is coming to pick up my little cherry bomb. I am just hoping that it is something simple to fix and won't cost me an inordinant amount. Oh well, I am just extremely thankful that it did not decide to do this while I was driving to or from Dallas this past vacation. That would have been bad. Regardless I have now signed up for AAA because I have been meaning to do it and the next time something happens I don't want to be without it. Hmmm, yeah!
So anyway, I have to go to work tonight. I am hoping that it will be a good night. The past two nights I worked were decent so we shall see.

Song of the day...Good Indian Girls, from Monsoon Wedding soundtrack (Jen got it for me for Christmas!:)