well, here i am again after a long absence. i just worked the past four nights and so I feel like I am re-entering the world after being somewhere else. I feel all behind on things. working four nights in a row is killer and i wouldn't recommend it to anyone. I was scheduled to work three nights in a row and my boss called me up the fourth day and asked me if i could work cause they were short. I didn't want to, but I owed her one so i said yes. That was the biggest mistake of my life. the night was hell! we got innundated with admissions. we each got one and it was starting around again, then one of the nurses working decided to pick this as a good opportunity to get sick. she went to the ER and left us to pick up her patients. No report, no nothing. That left me with 7 patients and ready to seriously go out of my mind. After that night i don't ever want to set foot in that hospital again. I didn't even get to eat. By the time the next shift arrived and I had to give report i couldn't handle it anymore. I just started crying. that was pretty messed up cause I don't cry and I especially don't cry in front of people and I especially don't cry in front of strange people. I couldn't help it. it was just gonna happen whether I wanted it to or not. I had no energy left and I just wanted to die. i was praying God would take me. So then after I got control of myself in the boss's office. I finished report. then to start on the lengthy process of beginning to chart on 7 patients. That was around 8:30 in the morning. all i wanted was to go home and die, and all I had was the prospect of sitting for hours charting crap. i didn't care anymore. i scribbled. didn't cover hardly anything that happened and left. didn't care what happened after that and half hoped that I would be fired cause i hate work so bad. the whole time i was thinking to myself, what can i do that would be comparable in pay to nursing, but would not be so damn complex and hard. that I wouldn't have to deal with bitchy nurses, sleazy patients, or rude demanding, condescending, pmsing(even though they are male) doctors. So anyway, life goes on i guess, but i don't think nursing is for me. I am looking for some other occupation. maybe i could be someone's travel companion.
I was so worn out after that stretch of work that I didn't even have the energy to finish one beer. That is really saying something.

there are ways to get to the internet even if i don't have it in my home now. I am at the library. what wonderful things libraries are. however i feel wierd writing in this because i don't know who may be reading over my shoulder and not that i am writing anything, but it just makes me uncomfortable. so that just reinforces the fact that i really need to buy a computer so that I can write in the privacy and comfort of my own home. nothing new with me of late. i have been off for a few days. thats always great. i really want to go somewhere though. somewhere else. it's time for a trip of some sort. i know...i just need to wait until june, but the urge is overcoming me now. good things come to those who wait though right? okay. i'll wait.

Song of the day...Sinead O'Connor, Nothing compares 2 U.

funny how a mood can change so quickly in one day. i am so tired of life right now.

here i am. saturday morning. awake, its a marvelous day. i feel happy. I am listening to my new favorite cd. Coldplay. what a great band. i have to work tonight, but that is still hours away. there is a lot of stuff that I plan to do in between now and then. i hope to be productive today. that would be a great accomplishment for me.
i still didn't complete my income taxes. such a pain. it would not be so bad, they make it pretty easy these days, but i have to file my federal, plus i have to still do Michigan tax because I was there also this year. what a pain. hmmm, tax evasion might be something worth looking into. ha ha :)
well it looks like tomorrow is the day we will be losing the computer and tv/vcr/stereo here. whatever am i going to do with myself. I will have nothing to entertain me. I will have to entertain myself! horrors! ha ha. actually it will be quite good I suppose i will start doing more reading again and maybe get some things accomplished that i have been wanting to, but never have the discipline to do. but you all will probably see a lot less of me online. in fact you won't likely see me at all for a while I guess. I am going to buy a computer though, so hopefully we won't be too long without that. especially since we will still be paying the cable bill.
well, time for me to get on with my days activities.

Song of the Day...Coldplay, the scientist.

so i began filing my taxes online, but have not finished them yet. ugh! it gives me a headache. I am gonna just finish it in the morning. i am tired, but don't want to go to bed, there is nothing to stay up for though. I should just go, but...why?
man, it is back to work tomorrow night. I don't want to go. i am back to dreading work again because people suck, and the things people say suck, and it sucks that I let it get to me, but I am still insecure in my nursing skills and so it makes an impact on my self confidence. oh what to do.
i think I am whining and I don't like whining so maybe I should just end this for the night. I am not sure what my problem is. so i guess to bed it is!

Song of the day...Johnny Cash's version of Hurt, by Trent Reznor

i attended my first pro basketball game this weekend. the san antonio spurs vs. utah jazz. what craziness. it was really quite fun actually and there is no way that you can help from getting into the game. we were wayyyyyyyyyy, way up in the balcony, but the way the place is built, you are way up there, but still almost over the court because the seating is so steep. it was kind of scary. the spurs won, so it was a good game to have gone to. I can't believe all that is involved in these things, and how much money goes into these arena's they build for sports, etc. i went to the game with a couple from my church. they are really cool, really neat people. I like them a lot already, they are christians, but they are not those typically dorky, stiff, unable to have a good time type of people that you sadly so often find in christian circles. it was quite refreshing and I am glad for the opportunity to know them.
tonight i must go back to work. i am dreading it again since the last night I worked i did not leave there until 11am. it was aweful. aweful in many ways. i hope that it will be a good night tonight.
i am soon to be without a computer here at the apartment. matt, the ex-roommate had left his computer, tv, vcr, soundsystem here when he moved out, but now he has become somewhat of an ex-friend as well and so he is going to come and get his stuff. I cannot be without a computer, so I am going to buy one. I have been wanting to anyway, but I do need input from those of you who know something about computers because I know practically nada. I am looking at Dell. give me some tips y'all :)

Song of the day... Ani Difranco, not angry anymore.